I am a writer who doesn’t seem to write.
Or at least, I write anything BUT what I really need to write. I write news stories and plenty of reports at the day job. I write in this blog, quite regularly now. And I write various other correspondence and other things as well.
But recently, it’s as if I can’t write fiction. And that’s the only thing that really matters to me. And I think that somehow not being able to do this is at the core of so many of my problems. Or maybe it is the ultimate symptom of my problem.
That’s an interesting one — am I troubled because I have serious writer’s block, or do my troubles end up being manifested in Writer’s Block?
Part of it too is I think a fear of failure — because of my desperate desire for success. If I sit here and permanently insist that writing is all about commercial success, that is a hell of a lot to live up to, and it can cause way more problems than just writing for the hell of it.
And with the millions out there who seem to want to write as well, am I hopeless for even being this conflicted?
Anyway, it’s not that I can’t write — I’ve written one complete novel (which as I always remind myself is one more than most “aspiring” types ever manage), but I can’t really see it being published now. Instead, I have future works, in slightly different genres, I and I think can keep things going there.
But I need the mental exercise to get myself used to it again. It’s the most worthy thing in my life outside of family, and that pressure too is probably enough to cause me to freeze up.
Almost half asleep now, this is really playing on my mind, but I have a new thing to start. I’m determined to write in Google Docs, which should help me do it anywhere, but that’s just a tool.
It’s all about persistence, and pretending that Writer’s Block doesn’t exist. It’s all mental — both sides of it.